


A Life So Changed

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-19
Updated: 2008-01-01
Packaged: 2019-01-19 15:40:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12413106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: “What if James doesn’t want a baby? We’re only nineteen! Fresh out of school. I just needed someone to share my secret. I’m scared, Sirius.”�





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

She had called him, begging him to come over while James was out. She left no room for questions, and although Sirius was dying with curiosity over why Lily had called him and not Remus, he didn’t waste time and apparated to the Potter’s post haste.

What he didn’t expect when he got there was Lily jumping into his arms, squeezing him in the tightly. It took a lot of soothing noises over her sudden sobs to force her out of the death grip on his neck. He placed her on the couch, wondering what could have possibly brought on her sudden anxiety attack. As far as Sirius knew, James had just stepped outside to buy a copy of the Daily Prophet, which their senile owl had been too weak to deliver of late.

There hadn’t been any attacks lately, and although the risk was still high, James was smart enough to protect himself for the five minutes it took to walk into town.

So what was Lily’s problem?

Slowly pacing in front of her, Sirius contemplated the ways he could make Lily spill. Years of attending school with her taught Sirius that she would deny a problem if asked up front (although, after her crying fit, he couldn’t begin to understand how she could possibly say she was fine), but damned if he could think of a way to beat around the bush.

“Er, Lily?” He spluttered, trying to find words, his usual charisma vanished. “Do you want to… talk about it?”

Lily gave a little sniffle before shaking her head and wiping at a few stray tears.

“Um,” Sirius tried again, “why not?”

His companion was silent, except for the occasional hiccup.

Sirius sighed, wondering where James was and what was wrong with his wife. Better yet, wondering why Lily hadn’t called on her own husband.

Sitting on the sofa, Sirius casually draped him arm across the back, letting Lily relax into him. Perhaps she’d mention what was wrong with her if the atmosphere was right. He contemplated dimming the lights and burning candles, but that somehow seemed unorthodox before noon.

“So, Lils,” he said gently, trying to spark interest in the quiet girl, “what’s up?”

Lily gave a tiny sigh. “Nothing, really, Sirius.”

He felt as though he’d just been bludgered in the gut. _Nothing_ was going on? What was happening with her was a bit more than nothing. He may not have been the best at understanding woman, but that was why he’d always had Moony. Sirius hadn’t been blessed with the gift Remus obviously had at birth; time and time again Sirius had tried to talk to a girl at Hogwarts, and time and time again, he would be told about some smarmy git that used her or her latest Charms essay. To be frank, Sirius could have cared less; his preference was to skip the small talk and move straight into the snogging.

Talking could have been the secret to Moony’s serious relationships in school, but Sirius figured he wouldn’t be young and attractive forever -- best to use his gifts while he had them.

Not for the first time, however, his ignorance to the opposite sex had left him in a pickle. Dealing with Lily Potter was not an exception.

“Seriously, Lily,” he tried, “you can talk to me.”

“There’s not much to talk about, Sirius,” she told him with a sigh.

Sirius was frustrated. Patience had never been one of his virtues, and he was beginning to get sick and tired of waiting for his best friend to return from picking up a paper. How hard could it possibly be to walk down the street?

“Merlin’s sake, Lily, just tell me what the bloody hell is wrong with you!”

He jumped up from the couch, arms outspread, wearing an expression akin to rage. He squatted in front of her, holding her wrists with one hand and her chin with the other. If his patience had been waning before, it was completely gone now.

“Now, Lily,” he said calmly, grinning a bit, “tell me what’s wrong, darling.”

Lily didn’t look impressed with her treatment. She mumbled something and attempted to pry her wrists out of his hand, but he, amazingly, was too strong. It never occurred to her that so much of a size difference in hands could make such a difference in a battle.

“I’m sorry, love, what was that?”

With an indignant noise, she proclaimed, “I’m not telling you with _this_ type of treatment!”

Sirius stared at her. As if that would bother him. “I’m telling you what, Lily,” he said, letting go of her wrists and walking over to the fire, grabbing the jar of floo powder. “ _You_ are the one who called _me_ to come over here. _You_ needed someone to talk to you. Why you didn’t call Remus, I don’t know, and why you don’t just talk to James, I can’t even begin to understand. But if you aren’t going to talk to me, there’s not much I can do.”

Grabbing a pinch of floo, he threw it into the fireplace, stepping in, looking at Lily sitting forlornly on the couch. Shaking his head, he opened his mouth to announce his destination, but not before Lily got word in.

“I’m pregnant!” 


	2. Chapter 2

Sirius inhaled a cloud of dust after screaming something inaudible. The fireplace morphed from emerald to black, and within moments of disappearing, Sirius had apparated back into the room, the same shocked look on his face as before he left.   
“Lily, did you just say what I think you said?” 

“Yes, Sirius, I did.” 

Sirius stared at her, a hard silence surrounding the two of them, oppressing the free conversation they’d had previously. Sirius had absolutely no clue what to say; he had never, thank Merlin, been in the situation of dealing with a pregnancy, particularly at nineteen. Add in the fact that he couldn’t understand _any_ women, let alone the one standing in front of him, and he figured he was in for ride. 

The look on her face was indistinguishable. It was the same look she had when James had asked her out in first year; it was the same look she had when she was about to take her O.W.L.s; it was the same look she had when she had been about to walk down the wedding aisle. 

And Sirius couldn’t tell which emotion she was expressing. 

Throwing caution into the wind, he reached out and, in a quick motion, had her in a hug similar to the fashion in which she had greeted him. “Congratulations!” He laughed joyously, picking her up and spinning her around. 

It was only after setting her down and looking straight at her did Sirius notice she didn’t seem to be taking the same joy to the news that he was. “Hey, Lily,” he said, ducking to look into her face. “I seem to be more excited about your child than you are.” 

Lily simply gave a little grin before sitting down on the couch, covering her face with her hands. “It’s not that easy, Sirius,” she groaned, taking a deep shuddering breath. 

Concerned, Sirius sat down beside her. “Lily?” She gave no answer, which Sirius took as a sign to plow on. “Are you going to be alright?” 

Removing her hands from her face, she turned to look straight at him. “Honestly, Sirius, I don’t know. I really don’t know.” 

Sirius didn’t understand it. What could be so bad about having a baby? Sure, the kid would need a lot of attention, but that’s why Uncle Sirius was going to be around. And, sure, the kid would be brought into a tough world, but there were lots of people around to love and protect him. The more Sirius thought about it, the more a baby seemed like a good idea. 

“I mean,” she went on, “how can I have a baby? How can James and I have a child?” She laughed in disbelief. “We can’t have a baby. We just got married! We just finished school!” 

“Do you really think it’s a bad idea?” 

“I’m nineteen years old! I can’t have a child. Nineteen, Sirius! I can’t support a baby!” 

“You know you have James,” Sirius gently reminded her, trying to get her to find a bright side. 

Lily was becoming hysterical. “What if James doesn’t want a baby? We’re only nineteen! Fresh out of school.” 

“Well, yes, but--” 

“We can’t bring a baby into this type of world,” she cried, her breath coming quicker. Again, tears began to pour out of her eyes. “Voldemort is after us at every turn, we’re risking our lives by being in the Order.” The more she talked, the harder her tears came. “We can’t put an innocent life in danger!” 

Sirius was at a loss. What could he do? Not for the first time, he wished he had some back up, preferably James, because this just wasn’t a subject Sirius should have been dealing with. It wasn’t his baby. 

Rubbing her back softly, Sirius allowed Lily to lean into him and cry, becoming her rock for a short time. “What did James say?” He asked her quietly, hoping to tranquilize her with his voice. 

“He doesn’t know yet!” 

Sirius pulled away from Lily, shocked at what she just told him. “ _What?_ ” She couldn’t have possibly meant that James, her husband, her lover, didn’t know about their child. She couldn’t have possibly meant that Sirius knew before his best friend. 

“I haven’t told James yet,” she exclaimed through her tears. “I don’t know what to say to him. What if he leaves me?” 

Sirius was shocked at Lily’s declaration. “Lil, James would never leave you. Especially not if you’re carrying his child.” 

“How do you know that? How can you possibly say that? What nineteen year old wants a baby to take care of?” 

He didn’t know what to say to her. No, he couldn’t promise that James wouldn’t leave, but they’d been best friends their entire lives. Sirius wanted to think he knew his best friend better than anyone, but if his own wife was having doubts, how could Sirius know what he would do? 

“I haven’t even known for that long,” she continued, taking deep breaths. “I just found out, and each time I wanted to tell him, something would come up. Either work or the Order. Something would happen and it would remind me why we can’t have a child!” 

She looked at Sirius with a blotchy face red with tears. “How can this possibly work, Sirius? I haven’t told _anyone_. No one knows! Only you and me! I couldn’t hold it in for any longer.”

Watching Lily’s breakdown began to alarm Sirius. He had never seen her like this. For as long as he could remember, she was the strong one, the comforting one. Lily _always_ had he answers and she _always_ had a solution, no matter what the question or the problem. She risked her neck for others, and now she needed guidance. 

Sirius had no clue how to give it to her. 

Patting her back, Sirius tried to give her comforting and encouraging words. “I’m sure James will be excited about the baby,” he said hopefully. “He’s always loved little kids. He’ll be so happy when you tell him that you’ll have a little bugger of your own!” 

“A child, especially _my_ child, is _not_ a _bugger_ , Sirius Black.” 

Well, at least she was defending her kid. That had to be a good sign. At least she wasn’t harboring the idea of getting rid of it. 

“Lily, you just have to tell him. Get it out there, when there are no distractions. Do it in bed, right before you’re about to shag or something. It’ll ruin the mood, but hey, at least he’ll know.” 

Lily pulled away from Sirius, shocked at his suggestion. 

“What?” He asked innocently. “It would work, wouldn’t it?” 

Lily just shook her head and sat back on the couch. “There’s no way this will ever work. James… he’s nineteen! I’m nineteen! A baby needs love and attention and safety… we aren’t safe!” 

The same resounding fears seemed to be circulating in her head, and Sirius didn’t know how he could convince her that it would be alright. 

“Lily, I really don’t know what to say.” 

His voice sounded regretful, and Lily turned to look at him, bewildered by his tone. “What do you mean?” 

“Well, I don’t know what to say,” he restated, trying to make her understand. “I don’t know how to promise you that everything is going to be alright. Honestly, Lil, I’m sure James would be alright with having a baby. I mean, perhaps there is limited safety, but you know some of the strongest wizards around! We’ll all make sure you, James, _and_ your baby are protected. You know that. You can trust us, Lily. And it’s not like you don’t have the money. James’ inheritance is enough to cover your great-grandchildren’s lives.” Lily smiled, and Sirius went on. “I do know that James loves you more than anything, and that you two will be alright.” 

He ended quietly, and Lily looked at him with tears in her eyes. “Oh, Sirius,” she said, hugging him, her body relaxed and not as tense as before. Sirius hugged her back, hoping he had calmed her down some, or at least enough to tell James her news. 

Lily let out a laugh. “Sirius, you didn’t even _need_ to say anything. I just… I just found out about the baby two weeks ago, and I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. You know I’m not close to my sister and with my parents gone, there wasn’t anyone I could tell. I didn’t want to burden Remus, and I didn’t want to bother you, either.” 

“Talking to me is hardly bothering me, Lily.” 

“I just needed someone to share my secret. I’m scared, Sirius.” She looked at him with tired eyes. “I’m so scared. We’re so young. When I found out, I should have been happy, but instead I wished it had never happened.” 

Sirius was appalled. He had always thought she would make a wonderful wife and mother, and when she and James got married, it was by fate. He always assumed that a baby, no matter when they had one, would have been welcomed news. 

“I know,” she said at his look, “I shouldn’t have ever thought that. But can you blame me? Really, can you? I’m nineteen. _Nineteen_ ,” she repeated, as if in shock. Her eyes became cloudy and she stared off into space. “Nineteen and pregnant.” 

She had to tell James, that much Sirius knew. And she had to tell him quickly, preferably while Sirius was not present. James wouldn’t be happy if he heard that his best friend knew that he had created a life before James actually found out. 

But she also had to let him know for her piece of mind. She was going to drive herself crazy, and Sirius couldn’t help her through this alone. Not only was he incapable, but it wasn’t his job. 

“You have to tell him, Love,” Sirius said soothingly, lifting her chin to look at him. “You’ll go crazy if you don’t. He’ll be home soon, and you’ve got to let him know.” 

“Let me know what?” 

The pair looked up into curious hazel eyes. Sirius quickly dropped his hand from Lily’s face and got up to leave. “You two have some issues to talk about,” he said, grabbing some floo, and throwing it into the fire. He smiled and waved before leaving, winking at Lily who nodded in response.

Upon arrival in his flat, Sirius sat down, kicking up his feet, letting all worries about his two friends go. They’d make it through; they always did. 


	3. Chapter 3

Grumbling, Sirius walked through the crispy midday air, pulling his coat tighter around him in an effort to thwart off the wind. He often wondered how he got himself into the messes in which he was involved, but tried not to concentrate too much on how he’d rather be in the warmth of his flat. Instead, he spent his time mulling over how he could kill James.

Lily had flooed into his room, sobbing, trying to get her story out through her shudders. From what Sirius could understand of it, she had told James, he had gotten angry, and ended up storming out of the house, leaving Lily alone in their home, crying her heart out.

As soon as Sirius had discovered what James had done, he sat Lily on the couch with a blanket, got her tea, and told her he’d be back in a couple hours. He was a man on a mission, set to find his best friend.

James must have had a lapse in judgment. For the life of him, Sirius couldn’t understand why James would walk out on the love of his life at the news she was carrying a child. He knew better than that-- he’d experienced that abandonment, if only for a short time. He cared more than that, or at least he should of. And he would once Sirius had his way with him.

He checked all the local pubs, assuming his friend would be that predictable. But after a quick eye sweep of the last place, Sirius came out empty-handed, unsure of what to try next. He checked all the stores, all the restaurants, all their friends. He even checked Hogwarts, asking Dumbledore if he had stopped by, only to leave disappointed.

However, Dumbledore had left him with a piece of advice, concerning a graveyard. Although Sirius wasn’t sure whether Dumbledore was trying to be cryptic, he decided to take it at face value, and that was where, unbelievably, Sirius found his mate.

Sitting on a rock, staring at a grave. Not talking, not moving; staring. It was an odd sight when Sirius saw him, but after getting closer, he realized whose grave James was in front of.

Sirius silently sat down beside him, not saying anything, waiting for James to take the initiative.

“Is Lily alright?” James asked quietly, after a round of silence.

Sirius nodded the affirmative. “At my flat drinking tea. Hopefully she’ll take a nap.”

James nodded, and when he appeared to release the conversation, Sirius added, “She needs one, after all this stress.”

Sighing, James looked across the graveyard. “Why did this have to happen? Now? Of all times?” Sirius was silent, letting him come out with his thoughts. “There’s no way we can have a kid. How will we raise it? I don’t know the first thing about being a father. Not the first thing, Padfoot. We’re only nineteen years old. And then,” he continued, scrubbing his hands over his face, “there’s the added factor…”

“Voldemort.”

James glanced at his friend’s quiet declaration before nodding. “Yeah, and you know that whole deal. I can’t let a child come into the world knowing that it’ll probably be killed before seeing its fifth birthday.”

Not knowing what to say, Sirius stayed silent, thinking through what his friend had said. True, there was a lot of risk in having a child, especially in the world they were currently living in, but perhaps Lily and James were blowing the situation out of proportion. Having a child couldn’t be awful, and the chance that they were killed was slim, right?

“You know, James,” Sirius said quietly, “we’re all here to help you out and protect you. You know that, right?” James stayed silent. “James? We’re not going to abandon you.”

“It’s not abandonment I have issues with, Sirius,” James snapped. “I told you, we can’t have a child just to kill it.”

“Why are you so focused on death?” Sirius was beginning to get frustrated with his friend’s thoughts. “Why do you think we can’t help protect you? We have Dumbledore; you know Dumbledore will help you and Lily through anything.”

“Even with spells the risk is still so high--”

“Have you ever thought that maybe the reward is greater than the risk?” Sirius finally yelled, jumping up from the ground and standing in front of his friend. “Don’t you think having a child will make you happy? Why are you so worried?” Sirius paced around, shaking his head. “I just don’t understand it. You’ve created a life, a special bond between you and your wife, and instead of celebrating it, you’re trying to ruin it! You’re so focused on what could be that you don’t even care about what is!”

“Padfoot--”

“Seriously, Prongs, don’t even try bullshitting with me the way you did with Lily. You made your wife cry because of your own fears. She was too terrified to even tell you, and now that she finally did, you’ve made her sick.”

“Sirius, that’s not fair--”

“I know it’s not. The way you’ve treated Lily is less than fair, but you’ve always been a bit selfish, haven’t you? You are putting this girl through hell and back, James, and Merlin knows she shouldn’t put up with it. You’ll be lucky to find her when you go home! She might just leave and go where she’s appreciated, because I know as well as you do that she’s a good catch and you are lucky to have her. There are a lot of blokes that would take her in and love her as much as you do, so you better be careful how you treat her! She chose you, and she can take that decision back if she really wants to!”

Sirius finished his tirade panting, looking at his best friend, sitting in a shell-shocked silence. James’ stare was vacant, his gaze distressed as he looked at the grave in front of him.

“She would have loved a grandchild,” he said delicately, giving a chuckle. “Mum always wanted bushels children. You know they didn’t think they’d be able to have kids? Mum and Dad? They tried for years and it just wasn’t working, and they were about to give up before I came along.”

Sirius sat down beside his friend, listening to the stories of the family he came to know as his own. “She was so excited when you showed up on our doorstep,” James continued. “‘Another baby’ was how she always thought of you. She couldn’t wait to dote upon your every need, to save you from the destruction she knew you faced. She wanted to erase every wrong that was done to you.”

Smiling, Sirius recalled the cookies she had given him, the presents she had presented him at Christmas, the hugs and kisses she bestowed upon him at the Platform before leaving on the Hogwarts Express. “Mum would have been a wonderful grandmum,” Sirius agreed, now staring at the grave with James.

James nodded. They were silent for a few moments, the wind rustling the leaves, breaking the quiet stillness of the secluded cemetery. “You know what else Mum would have wanted?” Sirius finally asked, looking at James. “She would have wanted you to forget about everything that could be happening. She would have wanted you to be happy, and she would want you to have the baby.”

“You don’t understand, Sirius,” James whispered, taking a ragged breath. “This is terrifying. We’re having a kid. I’m going to be a father and Merlin knows I’m not ready for that.”

He probably wasn’t, Sirius agreed, but you couldn’t always be ready for everything. You couldn’t be prepared to start Hogwarts, you couldn’t be prepared for marriage, you couldn’t be prepared for Voldemort. Just like you couldn’t be prepared for having a child.

“But you’ve got to try.”

James looked at Sirius after he uttered the words, staring at him intently before standing up.

“You’re right,” he said, running his hand through his hair. “I guess I don’t have a choice.”

Sirius stood up beside his friend and hugged him, giving him the comfort he needed, brother to brother.

“Thanks, Padfoot,” James said, glancing one last time at the grave before walking away slowly and apparating home.

Sirius watched his friend leave, a mixture of emotions pent up inside him. He bent down in front of Caron Potter’s grave. Lightly running his hand over it, he gave a small grin. “I miss you, Mum. I hope you miss us, too. And I hope that you can help James and Lily through this.” He paused. “I hope you can help us all through this.”


End file.
